


Three Times They Tried And One Time They Did

by mitdemadlerimherzen



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Slow Burn (Sort Of), Touch Aversion, i swear i tried to make this as canon-compliant as i could, ptsd/pre-story canon rape mentioned (but only if you squint), the one where kaz and inej try to have sex, why is nothing ever easy for those two poor idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 04:09:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16905831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitdemadlerimherzen/pseuds/mitdemadlerimherzen
Summary: Kaz Brekker has come a long way from that jittery boy in the hotel bathroom who recoiled and almost fainted when his lips brushed Inej’s skin.My take on some of Kanej's firsts.





	Three Times They Tried And One Time They Did

**Author's Note:**

> Well, damn, I never thought I'd see the day I write a sex fic or smut or whatever you kids call it these days. I still remember when these stories used to be called "lemon". So, um, I have no idea if the Grishaverse knows condoms, but hey, be safe, kids, use protection! (I actually googled when condoms were invented and apparently the oldest condom ever excavated dates back to 1642, though people used things similar to them a lot earlier.) Also don't sue me, this is my first time writing something like this and my first time posting for Six of Crows.  
> I'd like to dedicate this story to @krugerevengeinej over at tumblr, who made me write this. Hope you like it.

He has gotten quite good at it over the years. Most of the time he can block out the feeling of water lapping at his feet and ankles, and it rarely rises higher anymore – at least not with her. On the odd occasion that it does rise higher, he is quick to find her pulse, feeling for the steady and sometimes erratic heartbeat at her wrist, her throat (gently, as not to startle her or evoke bad memories), reminding himself that she’s alive and warm.

Kaz Brekker has come a long way from that jittery boy in the hotel bathroom who recoiled and almost fainted when his lips brushed Inej’s skin. Holding hands and small touches go almost without thought these days. Kissing isn’t a problem most of the time, once he discovers that the feeling of pleasure in his body is a lot nicer to concentrate on than the feeling of revulsion. (Which is still there, though, but muted by experience and sheer force of will.)

Also, Inej helps. She gives him space if he needs it, reassurance if he needs that and never asks any questions. In return he is probably the most considerate person on earth with her. He sometimes thinks that all his ability of being good is concentrated on her alone and that’s why he can be the ruthless Barrel boss the rest of the time.

The first time they kissed (on the lips), it was actually Inej who flinched. He had asked her if they could try it and she had been nervous but kind of eager. They had bumped noses because they had both leaned in to the same side. Kaz had then touched her cheek with his fingers, feather light, and held her in place, pinkie and ring finger finding her pulse underneath her jaw. They had closed their eyes right before their lips touched and Inej had tensed and taken a step backward. They had stared at each other, wide eyed and panting, as if they’d just run through the Barrel. Kaz hadn’t tried to kiss her for a long time afterwards.

Their second kiss was even more awkward, because Inej insisted on keeping her eyes open (to try and make herself aware to who was kissing her) and Kaz decided to keep his open (to try and see if Inej was comfortable with the situation or not). It kind of worked as neither of them recoiled but it was awkward because Kaz refused some weird instinct to close his eyes and lean in a bit more.

The third time they kissed it was Inej who closed her eyes after a moment. When she didn’t move back that time, Kaz closed his own eyes and leaned in, concentrating hard on her smell, the feel of her lips on his, her hands in his, his right index and middle finger skimming the pulse of her left wrist. When they pulled apart, Inej had let out a giddy little breath and smiled up at him shyly. He had grinned back (relieved) and touched his forehead to hers, feeling all warm and tingly.

The first time they "made out" it was kind of a heat-of-the-moment thing. They’d staked out a merch on West Stave when they'd found themselves in the middle of a street fight of Black Tips and Liddies. There was nothing to gain for them by engaging in the fight so they'd made a run for it. Two of the other gang's members had noticed them, though, and decided it was not the worst idea to take out Dirtyhands and his Wraith on a side note. (They had soon rued their decision.)

Kaz and Inej had returned to Kaz’s attic room at the Slat in the early hours of morning. Inej had looked radiant, standing at his window and feeding the crows, and he hadn’t even thought twice about it when he’d slid a hand over her cheek toward the back of her neck and kissed her. She had drawn back and looked at him in surprise, then smiled and slid her arms carefully around his neck, touching her lips to his. He had put his hand at the small of her back and pulled her closer. When she’d sighed he’d searched her face for any sign of discomfort (finding none), and started to kiss her in earnest, somehow making her part her lips and tentatively touching her lips with his tongue. She’d made a small noise in the back of her throat and pushed her tongue against his. Somehow, they’d ended up on his bed (fully clothed), with Kaz hovering above Inej, kissing deeply, until Inej had stopped them with a hand on his chest and he’d seen her strained expression.

They sleep next to each other whenever they can, sometimes holding hands, sometimes tangled up tightly, sometimes not touching at all. Modesty is a rare thing in the Barrel, but Kaz and Inej have never seen each other completely bare. They talk about it, nervously and completely red in the face, and Kaz kisses her hesitantly when they agree to try, enjoying the way her heart picks up its pace against his chest, trying to keep pace with his own.

They sit on the bed across from each other and slowly, awkwardly undress each other. Kaz stops at the old scar on Inej’s shoulder and with a jolt he realises that he’s known her for almost a decade. When they’re naked, Inej crosses her arms over her chest self-consciously (avoiding his eyes) and Kaz reaches for her hand.

"We don’t have to do this, Inej…" he says quietly.

She looks up at him then (teeth worrying at her lower lip), and there’s relief in her gaze. They dress, Inej pulling on her underwear and a shirt and Kaz pajama bottoms and lie facing each other on his bed, pinkie fingers entwined.

The next time they try, they're almost too stubborn to stop. Inej is trembling (she tells herself it's from nervousness, not from fear) and she touches his bare chest with her fingertips. Kaz shudders, but fights back his demons and pulls her close, kissing her slowly. But the more skin he feels beneath his own, the stronger gets the feeling of water lapping at his ankles. He ignores it, sliding his hand tentatively down her side and Inej shivers. Suddenly a wave crashes over him and in a matter of heartbeats (his, fast and hard) he finds himself across the room from her, gasping for air, only just managing not to faint when she starts talking to him.

Once, they crash at Wylan's, after an evening spent drinking and talking and scheming and they both think that maybe this room, this bed, might be the best way to do this. (A fresh start and all that.) No memories attached to the place, soft pillows and a comfy mattress and Kaz also thinks the alcohol might help to dull their senses just enough to make them forget their issues. But although the waters stay down and Inej doesn't disappear it just doesn't feel right. So they stop mid kiss and just lie down facing each other, inching their way towards the other until Kaz's chin rests against her forehead and her arms around his waist.

A few weeks later they lie the same way, kissing and touching (albeit tentatively) until Inej pulls back and looks him square in the eye, blurting the question out before she can chicken out.

"Do you want to try?"

And Kaz’s breath hitches nervously, but he nods, because he does. He wants to try. So he sits up and loses his shirt and they pull off their pants and Inej’s shirt and he looks at her (steadily) and says: "Stop me anytime you need to."

"You, too," she whispers in answer and reaches her hand out to touch his chest, her face heating up when she (involuntarily) glances down. When she looks at his face again, his eyes are fixed on hers and he’s chewing his lip. Kaz Brekker is actually chewing his lip. Inej can’t help but giggle nervously and Kaz frowns, thinking she’s laughing at… _him_ , but this train of thought comes to a sudden stop when Inej leans forward, bracing her hands on his thighs and pressing her lips to his. He cups her cheek and kisses back, then leans away from her slightly. He lowers his hand and watches her as he brushes his fingertips gently over her collarbone and then her chest, not sure where to put his hands and not sure if this is alright or not. Inej breathes in deeply and trails her hand from his chest to his stomach, watching his penis twitch but she can’t bring herself to touch him. 

He swallows. "Um… how…?" He looks at her, helplessly, because how can he ask her 'how do you want to do it?'

She blushes, and he wonders why they are so awkward about this, they’ve known each other for so long and trust each other with every one of their secrets. Why, then, are they behaving like blushing teenagers? Because neither of them have done this before, he realises. He has no experience, all he tried and did for the first time, he did with her. And Inej? She has never been with someone she loves before him. He is also nervous about triggering her somehow (as she is with him).

"I don’t know, really… maybe I just lie down and…"

"If you like."

She lies down on her back and Kaz lies next to her, on his side, propping his head on his hand and splaying the other over her stomach, smiling slightly at the stark contrast between his pale fingers and her darker skin. She takes a deep breath to calm herself and then smiles back at him. He grins nervously and leans down to kiss her, awkwardly skimming her breast in the process and then (in a moment of recklessness) covering said breast with his hand and stroking hesitantly with his thumb at a tiny bit of skin. Inej tenses and he is about to pull back when she slips a hand around his shoulder and then to his neck. He slides closer until he feels her flush against his side and pulls away for a second, staring at her, blushing beneath him, listening to his erratic heartbeat and breathing hard. Inej’s hand still rests on the side of his neck as he braces himself and shifts so he is hovering above her, (his bad leg aches but he ignores it) and he hesitates to move closer, examining her face meticulously for any sign of discomfort.

He sees none, only mild apprehension but she smiles shyly at him again and he lowers his forehead against hers. "Uh… tell me where to… touch you?" He asks, feeling like an idiot because he’s heard enough stories over the years (unintentionally) but he really doesn’t want to make any mistake with her and at least he doesn’t feel the water anymore as his whole concentration lies in thoughts like do-not-screw-this-up.

Inej swallows and slowly guides his hand between her legs where she places it and bites her lip as her body responds to his fingers gently curling over her skin. It isn’t easy for her, either, but she watches his face and smells his skin (and something else) and tries to think of only him and it works it works because his room smells like rain and wind and candlelight and like Kaz, nothing like the heavily scented sheets of the Menagerie.

When her hips start to move of their own accord, she gathers all her courage and touches his penis. He sucks in a breath and her eyes snap up to his. His eyes are darker than she's ever seen them and she touches him again, reading his face like he did hers watching him battle embarrassment and desire alike.

"D'you want me to stop?" she asks, stilling her movement momentarily but he shakes his head, unable to find (and form) the right words. So she continues stroking him up and down lightly and watches as Kaz starts to pant, his arms begin to tremble and a light sheen of sweat gathers on his brow. 

"Inej... I think... this is enough of that..." he trails off helplessly and why is he so bad at voicing his thoughts about this when he's got such a sharp tongue ninety nine percent of the time? Inej removes her hand, heart pounding like his own and hesitantly opens her legs to him. Kaz moves awkwardly to kneel between them (his bloody leg hurting like hell, but he'll be damned if he stops now) and leans down to place a very shy kiss on her stomach, making her sigh nervously.

"We don't-" he starts but she cuts him off. "I want to... to do this... with you... I mean if you want to," she stammers, heat gathering in her brown cheeks, making them glow and Kaz gathers another moment with her when he can believe in magic. He reaches a hand into the top drawer of his small bedside cabinet, pulling out a condom (he stashed some there after their first talk about the subject). He slowly stretches over her smaller body, bracing his arms on either side of her head and looks down to where his penis lowers towards her. 

"I might need a hand here... I don't know," he huffs a half frustrated, half annoyed laugh through his teeth and looks at her, completely out of his depth. She catches her lower lip between her teeth and while Kaz follows the movement, wishing he were the one catching her lip between his teeth (gently) she reaches a shaking hand down and tries to guide his penis into her body. She's fumbling for a couple of seconds that stretch like minutes and she's about to lose her nerve when she finally succeeds.

Kaz doesn't move. He stares at her like he's never seen her before. (He hasn't, not like this.)

"You have to... well," she clears her throat, looking at his chin, "move. A bit. I mean forward, more inside I guess. But take your time."

If he weren't so damned inexperienced and nervous he might laugh at both of them. Two traumatised, awkward people in their twenties, trying to have sex for the first time. But he pushes forward with his hips eventually, slowly, stopping every time Inej tenses, but she holds him to her, refuses to let him draw back for her sake. When he's inside her as far as he can, she lets out a trembling breath.

"You okay?" he asks, frowning down at her, not moving because should he move away? Why doesn't she say something? Is he hurting her? Where are the waters?

That last one makes him move away from her but she's too fast for him, she slides her hands under his arms and cups his shoulder blades. "Yes, it just feels... weird," she says. "But in a good way!" She adds when she sees him frown.

Hesitantly, Kaz moves back a little and then forward again, pulling out of her a bit and then pushing back in. After a few seconds of this Inej tries to match him and moves her hips towards his but as graceful as she is usually (like, all of the time) as sloppy she is doing this and they move against each other, slightly out of sync. It only takes a few moments for Kaz to start panting and Inej feels her skin start to tingle somewhere around where their bodies are joined. 

Kaz feels a kind of pressure building in his body, he feels his nerves start to tingle and he tries to ask her silently if this is enough because he can already feel himself tipping over the edge. But it is not enough for her and while he thrusts frantically a few times and then groans quietly, touching his forehead to hers, (all the while maintaining eye contact) she tries to answer her body's call for more, moving her hips to meet his. Then he is falling, the pressure gone (the tingling remains) and he makes to move away but Inej keeps hold of him, pressing herself to him, or rather him to her and trying to tell her body that it's enough.

Kaz leans down and kisses her shoulder on the exact spot he kissed all those years ago, then her throat and her cheek and finally her lips. Suddenly he feels water lapping at his ankles.

"I need to move..." he chokes out, already imagining the water rising along his body and hating it. Inej releases him instantly and he slips from her, lying beside her with a couple of inches between them and he finds her pinkie finger.

They both stare at the roof of his room for a few minutes. Then Kaz looks sideways at her and in an instant he's on his side, touching her cheek with his fingertips. "Inej? Are you still here?" His heart almost stops, because he thinks she's disappeared from her body like the nights at the Menagerie, but she turns her head into his palm and kisses it gently.

"Did the waters come, in the end?" she asks and he swallows, looks away in shame. But his eyes fall onto their feet and on his he sees moisture glistening. He frowns and sits up, bringing his feet nearer to examine them, touching them with his fingers. Inej sits up beside him and looks at the end of the bed, where a small circle of liquid is forming on the mattress.

They both look up at the same time. There's a tiny hole in the roof and rain is dripping onto the mattress where Kaz's feet had been. Their gazes follow the drops of rain and then they look at each other and after a moment they burst out laughing.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, shit. Let me know what you think, constructive criticism welcome, but please don't send hate, I'm a nervous wreck. Also feel free to call out typos, I've re-read this a dozen times already and don't see them anymore.


End file.
